Personal Logs - Samuel J. Grant

[gengrant]

Personal Log; Stardate 64898.86

Yesterday was another hard day, it seems that no matter how much time goes by, I still have those dreams, those nightmares. I feel the same level of fear that I felt as I watched that Cardassian hurt her, how slow time seemed to pass. I know I was running at top speed, I know I cleared that meter and half console like a gymnast, yet I seemed to be moving slower then a confused Borg.

I can still see the look in her eyes, as I held her, feel her body shutter, those blue eyes boring into mine, into my soul, asking for the help that I could not give. I close my eyes and I see her, I see it over and over again. Those bastard Cardassians took much from Starfleet that day, many good and noble people, almost reigniting a war that ended months before.

I can still feel the blade, the burning and the shooting pain. I can see the grinning blood soaked teeth of that Cardassian, that look of enjoyment as you watch the life drain from your prey… I should have been dead, I should be dead; yet here I am. Alive with the regrets of ages, the mourning of a hundred mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, and carried only by me.

Every time I seem to be able to go a bit without remembering it, without having to relieve it, something triggers it all over again. Let them die, I say, by their own choices let them die. But that is not the right way, that is not the Federation’s way, which means that’s not my way. For I have sworn an oath to uphold the values of the Federation, and I must do all I can to make sure that stays true.

That Doctor, this time again it was because of a Doctor. It was a good thing that I had that letter from Starfleet Command; it never wins me many friends, but serves its purpose from time to time.

*long pause*

I’ve fought Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians and the Borg, I’ve fought hand-to-hand with a dozen other races and have held my own, surviving when I was certain to die; yet not dying. To think, it was by something so small, so unknown and insignificant that almost claimed me, if it were not for her… If not for her… If not for Jennifer…

Computer, End Log Entry.

[gengrant]

Computer, begin Personal Log Entry: 65195.29

I have been selected to accompany Captain Harsting on an Away Mission to a doomed planet that we discovered on our way to set up the new independent colony on the opposite end of Klingon space; thanks to our slipstream drive.

Unable to find a ‘chink’ in the Prime Directive’s armor for this particular instance, there is no way for us to save this planet and it’s populace; a decision that I know weighs heavily on all of the senior staff, especially the Captain.

However, recently another situation has begun to develop that isn’t exactly Starfleet related; a woman. I have been spending a lot of time with Ann recently, and thoughts of her consume the majority of my thoughts. I find myself distracted at work and in conversation, even being ‘caught’ daydreaming, which is unlike me. But I don’t believe it is blind infatuation or a crush, easily known due to the reciprocated actions of Ann and her heavily flirtious, often exotic behavior.

But this is a different Ann then I recall, although she still looks the same, she is somehow different. I can’t exactly put my finger on what is so different, other then she is much more confident then before. Which in itself isn’t a bad thing, but this is not just confidence that she is expressing, but outward actions that seem completely opposite the way she would be.

I must say, aside from her physical attractiveness, I did find her innocence and her vulnerability very attractive; almost like an Earth medieval ‘maiden in distress’. This new outgoing side of her seems more then just a rebuilding, reemergence, of confidence. It’s almost as if she’s gone from one extreme to the other, which I must say I have a hard time believing.

Most races, regardless of kind, follow some similar basic actions. No race bounds from one polar opposite to the other on their own, it is to much for a body, a mind to handle, this usually occurs with some form of stimulants, drugs or even surgery. I would speculate that this may have something to do with the drugs she was taking, but I did not know Ann to take them during our past two encounters… Hrm… It is very odd, something isn’t adding up, my old gut feeling is back and the hair on the back of my neck is beginning to stand up.

Computer, End Log Entry.